When disasters strike, like the devastating floods in Texas this weekend, many of us are left wondering: What do I even say?
It can be hard to know what to say (or what not to say) to someone affected by a tragedy like the Texas floods. In times of crisis and grief, well-meaning words can sometimes cause more harm than comfort. This post offers trauma-informed guidance on how to support someone grieving after a tragedy, with specific examples of phrases that help, and those that might unintentionally hurt.
What Not to Say After a Tragedy
Some well-intentioned phrases can actually cause harm. When someone is in the middle of their grief, their shock, or their overwhelm, avoid things like:
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
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“It’s all part of His plan.”
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“At least…” (At least you’re safe. At least it wasn’t worse. At least you can rebuild. At least you still have another parent/child/sibling.)
These phrases often come from a desire to comfort, but they can feel dismissive. They can feel like you’re trying to talk someone out of their pain. Grief, fear, anger, devastation—these are big feelings that are meant to be felt. While you can’t take those feelings away, you can share them. Make space for the hard stuff and make a commitment to sit in it.
What to Say Instead (Even When You Don’t Know What to Say)
The most powerful thing you can offer is your presence.
Here are a few ways to start:
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“I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and I’m here.”
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“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I understand if you need space right now. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
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Or just show up.
Yes, really. Show up with food. Show up with groceries. Show up with snacks, juice boxes, pet supplies, activities for young kids, or just yourself.
Why Connection Heals: We’re Wired for It
When people we care about are grieving or going through something life-changing, we often freeze. We don’t want to make it worse. We worry about using the wrong words. But in the face of unimaginable loss, silence can land as disconnection. It can feel like you’ve disappeared just when your friend or loved one needs you the most.
Humans evolved in social groups, which is why neuroscientists have confirmed that social connection is a basic physiological need, like food or water, and lack of social connection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. That ache your friend feels? It’s the real deal.
Social support lightens the load. Social psychologists call this “social baseline theory”. The theory suggests that social environments are our default “baseline”, and that being alone, physically or emotionally, requires additional cognitive resources. Facing challenges with someone else has been proven to reduce cognitive and emotional strain, literally making obstacles feel smaller. By sharing space with someone in crisis, you’re not comforting them, you’re co-regulating their nervous system. It’s science.
When we hesitate, when we pull away because we’re afraid to say the wrong thing, we risk leaving people to carry their pain alone, forcing them to expend valuable cognitive resources that could be used for healing, resting, and recovering. The good news? You don’t need to fix it. You don’t need perfect words. You just need to show up, emotionally or physically. Just be there.
If you or someone you know is coping with this tragedy, please also consider professional grief counseling. Professional support is not a substitute for social support, but an excellent addition to a community of caring.