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We teach clients many tools for healing, from nervous-system regulation to trauma recovery to somatic therapy and EMDR. One of the most under-used tools comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It is a communication skill called DEAR MAN.
As I recently posted on Instagram, this skill is not just about what you say. It also gives you a roadmap of how to show up in the moment. Words provide structure, and your body conveys confidence. The combination creates a more empowered outcome. This is where a confident figure, someone like Leslie Jones, becomes the perfect model for the “A” in DEAR MAN: Appear Confident. Or as I like to say, “act like you know what you are doing”.
When you blend the DEAR MAN steps with a grounded and steady delivery, your nervous system and your communication finally start working in the same direction.
What Does DEAR MAN Stand For?
DEAR MAN is a DBT communication skill used to ask for what you need, set boundaries, or navigate difficult conversations with clarity and respect.
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D – Describe: State the observable facts. Keep it judgment free.
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E – Express: Share how the situation affects you using “I” statements.
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A – Assert: Clearly say what you need or what you are declining.
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R – Reinforce: Explain the positive outcome of honoring the request.
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M – Mindful: Stay focused on your goal. Do not get pulled into side arguments.
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A – Appear Confident: Maintain steady tone, posture, and eye contact. Even if you feel shaky. (If you’re not a naturally confident person, this is where you act like someone who is, like Leslie Jones.)
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N – Negotiate: Offer flexibility or alternatives that still honor your boundary.
Why “Act Like You Know What You Are Doing” Matters
Words communicate information. Your body communicates credibility, safety, and groundedness.
This is why the “A” in DEAR MAN has so much power. When you walk into a boundary conversation internally collapsing, apologizing before you begin, or talking yourself out of your needs, the request loses clarity and impact.
This is where channeling someone like Leslie Jones can be transformational.
When you picture someone bold, direct, and unapologetic about existing in her full power, your nervous system shifts. Your shoulders square, your jaw softens, your breath deepens. You show up with the kind of confident presence that settles both you and the person across from you.
This aligns with what we understand in somatic and trauma therapy about embodied confidence and nervous-system regulation. (See NIMH’s fact sheet on coping with stress and anxiety.)
How to Practice DEAR MAN With Somatic Support
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Write out your DEAR MAN first. Clarity reduces panic.
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Use a grounding tool before the conversation. Feel your feet on the floor and take a slow breath.
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Visualize your confidence model. Leslie Jones or anyone who embodies strength for you.
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Say the words out loud in a steady and neutral tone.
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Stay mindful if the conversation drifts. Gently bring it back.
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Negotiate without abandoning yourself.
Trauma-informed work often involves practicing these conversations in session first so the nervous system learns safety around self-advocacy.
Prepare to Communicate With Confidence This Holiday Season
As the holidays approach, many people find themselves walking into family gatherings or stressful conversations feeling unsteady or unsure of what to say. You do not have to navigate that alone. This is the perfect time to practice DEAR MAN and begin strengthening the part of you that knows how to communicate with clarity and confidence. If you want support preparing for boundary-setting, difficult family dynamics, or emotionally charged interactions this season, therapy can help you feel grounded, regulated, and ready. If you are seeking a calmer, more confident way to show up during the holidays, you can start therapy or schedule a consultation today.