When ex Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and Astronomer HR executive Kristin Cabot were caught having an affair by a Coldplay kiss cam, the moment went viral, not just for its celebrity association, but for how it spotlighted power, boundary violations, and betrayal trauma. This isn’t just tabloid fodder, it’s a case study in attachment wounds, trauma, and emotional fallout. Let’s talk about why workplace affairs happen so often, and why their emotional toll can be so profound.
Why Do Workplace Affairs Happen? Is Everyone Hooking Up at Work?
Workplaces are social pressure cookers. Long hours, shared stress, and intense collaboration create fertile ground for emotional bonding. As Business Insider reports, about 60 % of people say they’ve experienced an office romance, often fueled by mere exposure, shared goals, and emotional intimacy. Self.com notes that proximity, stress, and emotional needs drive workplace affairs, which often begin not with lust but “fantasies, quiet longings, and a mix of confusion and shame”.
So what is the mere exposure effect? This unconscious effect refers to a psychological phenomenon which shows that the more people are exposed to something, the more they prefer it. Researchers have demonstrated this concept in many areas. When research participants are asked to rate the attractiveness of their own photo vs a mirrored version of their own photo, they overwhelmingly prefer the mirrored version. Why? Because they’ve seen it more times. Research participants also rated the attractiveness of their classmates higher at the end of the semester compared to rankings at the beginning of the semester. Why? You guessed it! Mere exposure! Did you like “Call Me Maybe” the first time you heard it? Did you like it more at the end of the summer after hearing it hundreds of times? Then you’re familiar with the mere exposure effect. It makes sense that we are suspicious or cautious of unfamiliar things. This caution kept our ancestors from eating an unfamiliar berry or traveling to an unsafe area. Over time, we realize these things (like broccoli, coffee, or beer) are not a threat. It also explains why friendships evolve into romance and why we tend to marry our neighbors, coworkers, or classmates.
Is My Partner Going to Cheat at Work? How Attachment Theory Predicts Risk.
No one can predict the future, but taking a short quiz to help determine your partner’s attachment style can help. From a therapy lens, attachment theory helps us understand why some people are more vulnerable to crossing that line or getting hurt by it.
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Someone with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style might feel drawn to the emotional closeness of a workplace relationship, even if it’s messy or unsafe. They may ignore red flags to preserve connection.
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Someone with an avoidant attachment style might be more likely to separate sex from intimacy, rationalize a betrayal, or downplay its emotional impact both to themselves and others.
These dynamics can silently play out between two people who are “just coworkers”… until they’re not. Having an avoidant or anxious attachment style of course does not guarantee infidelity and if your attachment style is secure, you can help your partner coregulate their nervous system and avoid activating these attachment styles. There are different strategies for creating secure attachment in each attachment style pairing.
The Devastation of Betrayal Trauma. Why Does This Hurt So Bad?
Betrayal trauma isn’t limited to romantic partners. It can also come from those we rely on closely for emotional or physical safety, like a parent or other caregiver. This creates a tricky dynamic because caregivers and partners provide us with our basic needs for love, support, and protection, so you may feel you have to accept this betrayal or risk losing that protection.
According to psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who first introduced betrayal trauma as a concept in 1991, “People often respond to betrayal by pulling away from the person who betrayed them. But when you depend on someone to meet certain needs, this response might not be feasible.”
Betrayal trauma often takes the form of infidelity, but can also be caused by any boundary that has been crossed, including financial betrayal, or physical or emotional abuse. I’ve had many patients who felt devastated by their partner’s emotional betrayal, but didn’t have the financial resources outside of their relationship to live independently. Since the cost of living in the Washington, DC area is 39% higher than the national average, with housing prices 148% higher than the national average, there are a lot of people who feel they just can’t make it on one income alone. (Maybe we ate too much avocado toast?) Even when patients have financial or social resources to support themselves independently, they still likely rely on their partner for co-parenting, love, companionship, or emotional support. (See my previous blog article on social baseline theory.)
Betrayal trauma can lead to:
- Lowered Self-Esteem
- Anger
- Guilt
- Depression, Anxiety, or PTSD symptoms
- A change in your ability to trust others
- Hypervigilance (Think- reading your partner’s texts, emails, checking their bank accounts, etc.)
- Activation of attachment patterns that replay old childhood pain (This can compound an already traumatic event)
- Emotional numbness
- Somatic symptoms (Think-headache, stomach ache, muscle soreness, insomnia)
Power, Boundaries, and Consent. Can You Really Consent in a Power Imbalance?
What made the Coldplay kiss cam scandal so charged, much like the Monica Lewinsky scandal decades earlier, was the power imbalance. In both cases, the individuals involved weren’t equals; they held vastly different levels of influence, responsibility, and visibility. Monica Lewinsky herself later described the relationship with President Clinton as “a gross abuse of power,” despite it being framed by the public as consensual at the time. Similarly, in the Coldplay affair, the CEO and HR executive weren’t just coworkers, they were decision-makers, with one likely holding sway over the other’s career.
From a therapeutic perspective, power dynamics fundamentally impact consent, agency, and emotional safety. A relationship might look consensual on the surface, but when there’s a significant disparity in authority or influence, that consent can be clouded by fear, pressure, or dependency. These are not “gray areas”; They are boundary violations that can have long-lasting emotional consequences, especially for those with histories of trauma or attachment wounds.
How Therapy Helps People Recover From Betrayal Trauma
If you experienced childhood trauma, exposure to high profile betrayal trauma and the constant media coverage of the kiss cam scandal and internet commentary may be triggering. Those hurtful childhood memories may resurface, and rather than trying to dissociate or distract yourself from that emotional pain, therapy can help you come to terms with your past experiences.
Therapy can also help you understand the patterns that brought you to this point, and help you change what no longer serves you. In therapy you can:
- Explore the attachment dynamics that made this relationship feel safe or intoxicating (Even when it wasn’t)
- Validate the betrayal trauma and the nervous system response that comes with it (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)
- Build healthy boundaries, clarify your needs, and restore trust in yourself.
Whether you choose to disconnect from your partner or work through the betrayal, therapy can help you navigate this process with professional support.
Closing Reflection. What Did We Learn From the Coldplay Kiss Cam Scandal?
The Coldplay kiss cam scandal gave the internet something to talk about. But for many people, it gave them something to feel, especially if they’ve been betrayed, confused by love, or caught in a relationship where the power felt uneven and the consequences too heavy.
If you saw yourself in this story, you’re not alone.
At Potomac Behavioral Health, we help individuals across Maryland and Virginia heal from betrayal, rebuild self-trust, and develop healthier, more secure connections. Therapy is a place to untangle the pain and start again.
Ready to take the next step? Schedule a free consultation.